the ed who laid an egg
by iEATfood
Summary: ed laid an egg, at least he thinks he did... will the eds manage to hatch the precios whatchamacallit or will rolf find them first...
1. in which ed lais an egg

Disclaimer: if I owned ed,edd,n'eddy I'd be the happiest girl in the world, but I'm not, so there!

It was dark.

The sound of clucking surrounded him. Ed smiled. Yup, this was definitely his happy place. So feathery and warm!

A few seconds passed. Then suddedly Rolf flung open the chicken coop door glaring at ed, nostrils flaring. "he of much neck and little chin! What are you doing in Rolf's chicken pen yet again?" Rolf grabbed ed by the back of his shirt and dragged him away from his feathery friends.

"I love chickens, Rolf!" ed cried in protest.

"why are you not in the process of maddening your sly-ed boy associates?" asked rolf.

ed stared at him trying to process what the angry foreigner was saying. His tongue stuck out of the side of his lips.

Rolf sighed. Sometimes the noodle-headed ed-boy's stupidity amazed even him. "where are your friends? The two-cows-short-of-a-farm under handed one and the head in sock ed boy and what of their pact to keep you away from Rolfs chickens lest Rolf unleash his forty days of terror upon their miserable heads?"

Ed stared. he had never heard of such a transaction "ummmm.. eddy's still sleeping cuz it's Saturday. He always sleeps in on Saturday. He threw me out the window when I tried to crawl into his bed!"

At this point it was Rolfs turn to stare.

"…and double-d's doing his homework, I told him 'homework's for eating double-d not doing', then he hit me with a ruler!" he waved his arm in the air to accentuate the horror of this terrible act of domestic violence. " ..so yea then I had to spit it out.." ed clutched his hands behind his back, and started scrawling patterns into the floor with his feet, looking dejected.

"okay ed-boy. Rolf is in a jovial mood today, it must be nana's squid innards breakfast still churning in his bowels, but you may go without Rolf beating you repeatedly with a shovel"

"oh okay" ed smiled but didn't leave " um, can I have a chicken?"

Rolf reached for his shovel and ed ran for his life.

Ed stopped running near nazz's house it had just occurred to him that Rolf wasn't chasing him anymore. Ed frowned now he was lonely again he was pretty sure no-one in the cul-de-sac wanted to play with him, with the possible exception of Johnny who still scared him and was hard to find anyways. Ed sunk to the ground. He felt something in his pocket and pulled out an egg. now how'd that get there? Ed puzzled. there was only one explanation.

"oh I laid an egg!"

well this was exciting news. Ed gushed with parental pride. Wait till he told edd and eddy! Won't they be proud?

Loneliness forgotten ed made his way to eddy's house.

Meanwhile eddy, the man with the plan, self-appointed leader of the eds was snuggled up in his bed snoring silently and dreaming ..of cash.

"meheh oh yea" he muttered drooling into his pillow as gaint quarters floated past his vision. Then, unexpectedly, they started to shake and fall "gah!" eddy woke up with a start. ed was shaking him. He pushed the idiot away " ed? What do you want? Gerrof!"

"I'm a mommy now, eddy!"

eddy stared. "wha?"

"look!" ed held up an egg.

"where'd you get that, ed? Did you steal that from rolf? Do you know what rolf said he'd do to us if…"

"I laid it, eddy!" ed said with hardly concealed pride.

If a needle had dropped at that moment you'd have heard it loud and clear. The silence stretched.

"DOUBLE-D!"

eddy ran all the way to double-d's house with ed in tow.

Edd (aka) Double-d had just finished an extensive saliva removing procedure in order to remove the remains of ed's drool from his biology assignment, Eating homework! How irrational! When eddy slammed the door open, he never knocked anymore, you know? Never.

"double-d! ed's been laying eggs!"

"eggs, eddy?" double-d pulled out his magnifying glass as ed held up his pride an joy, while eddy waved his arms around in panic.

"it's merely a chicken egg, eddy."

"I mean it's not like I did anything to him, I didn't do nuthin I.. chicken egg?"

"I'm a chicken?" said ed holding his egg close to his face " oho, what do you know!"

"no, ed, your not." Replied double-d

"aaaww" ed pouted "can I hatch it then?"

"well…"

"no, ed! Get rid of it!" eddy tried to snatch the egg from ed.

"it _my_ baby, eddy." Said ed matter-of-factly holding it out of the short boy's reach. "I'm going to hatch it!" he grinned trying to place the egg under his butt while pushing eddy away.

"no, ed! Don't!" double-d seized the egg right before the surprised ed's rump hit the ground. The smartest of the eds cradled the little egg in his arms and chided the lump "you could've cracked it! This is no mere toy, mister, it's a new and delicate shell-incased life! You should be careful."

"oh I will, double-d. I'll take care the little whatchamacallit! I'm a good mommy!"

double-d looked down at the while oval in his arms. "I don't know, ed. We should return it to it's real mothe… um"

ed pouted.

"um…"

his eyes filled with tears

"u-um…"

his lips quivered

"oh dear.."

a giant tear slid down the side of his face

"oh, of course you can hatch it!" edd finally gave in "with constant supervision I'm sure you'll succeed! Me and eddy will help you.."

eddy, who had been grinding his teeth in the corner for the past few seconds, choked on his own spit "WHAT!"

"eddy we…"

"no way!"

"aw come on eddy look at him!" double-d pointed at ed who was pouting again.

"no way am I gonna waste my time trying to hatch a stupid egg!"

"I love babies eddy" ed interjected

"everyone loves babies ed" said double-d

"I don't!" growled eddy, starting to walk away "stinky little…hey wait!" he turned grinning from ear to ear "he's right everyone does love babies!" he snatched the egg out of double-d's arms "baby animals are love! At least to sissy twerps like jimmy and sarah! They'd pay big bucks to coo at them! We could be rich thanks to this little what-cha-mahoosit" he stroked the little egg on it's assumed head, then turned to his two associates "what-cha waitin for boys? We're gonna hatch us an egg!"

"oh boy" yelled ed galloping around the room

"shall I start building an incubator?" suggested double-d happily

soon the egg lay on a large nest of two-ply tissues made by ed. the thing was seeded with little heater devices inside cooking mitts courtesy of edd. Eddy's only contribution was a cash sign drawn on the egg's side in red crayon. The eds gazed their pride and joy.

"I called him Scott, guys!" said ed.

"that's nice, ed" smiled double-d

they stared some more.

"so…" eddy's grin wavered "when's it gonna hatch?"

"well" double-d replied " a normal chicken egg usually takes up to twenty-one or so days to hatch"

eddy paused for a second as the information slowly leaked into his mind. "twenty-one days!"

"um..well we don't know how long rolf had it for all we know it could hatch any day now"

"for all you know it better!" snarled eddy

at that moment a strange hissing noises started coming from the nest .

fsshhit fkssstt fiszzzzkt

ed's pupils slowly went their separate ways in amazement "scott speaks" he said

"oh dear!" double-d exclaimed rushing to the nest and pulling out the fizzing oven mitts "the batteries have run out!" he explained

"no money?" eddy wimpered

"not unless we keep him warm, eddy" double-d scooped the egg into his shirt

"other chickens sit on their eggs" said ed

"your not a chicken ed your to heavy to sit on scott you'll crush him"

"aaaaawww"

"someone's gotta be tiny enough to sit on that thing while we get new batteries" said eddy

double-d stared at him

"what?"

"come on ed I don't think there are any batteries in my house I'm afraid that in my inventive fervor I used them all up"

"let's check my house!" yelled ed happily, running out the door

inside double-d's house on the kitchen table on top of a toilet paper nest eddy sat grumbling to himself "…the things I do for money"

meanwhile at rolf's house. Rolf was busy counting his eggs. rolf never understood the concept of not counting eggs before they hatch that which Kevin once uttered was foolishness to rolf. back in the old country eggs were always counted and kept track of.

"…slorgy. Neip. Smeep.." rolf counted under his breath in his own foreign language "…smoklazork! …..SMOKLAZORK? one of rolfs eggs has been plundered!" rolf threw back his head in horror some misbegotten fool had dared snatch away rolfs future foul! Who! Who would do such a thing? Of course there was only one so devious….


	2. in which beet beatings occur

Ed pulled out another pink teddy bear from Sarah's cupboard. he inspected it for a moment before tossing it behind him into a pile of pink fluffy stuff.

"ed, should we be looking in your sisters room?" asked double-d ducking another teddy bear " I mean isn't it dangerous considering her usual …disposition"

"danger is what sisters are for double-d"

"ED! What are you doing in my room?" Sarah stormed in a trembling jimmy in tow "..and what did you do to the teddies Jimmy made for me! There supposed to be in the cupboard!"

"they were in the dark smelly cupboard? But Sarah, I made them with love!" Jimmy started to cry.

"grrrrr ed! This is all your fault!" Sarah lunged…

ten seconds later the two eds were trying to untangle themselves from a fire hydrant.

"Thank god, I don't have any sisters then…" said double-d

"No batteries there!" laughed Ed

------

"Come down from there jonny the timber elf Rolf knows what you have done!" Rolf shook his fist at abnormally large headed boy.

"Me and plank don't know what you're talking about!" said jonny from up a tree.

"Give back Rolfs egg!"

"Watsat plank?" jonny consulted the eerily smiling board "Rolf's lost it?...mmhmm? Oh" jonny leaned down to relay the message to Rolf.

"You can't lay eggs, Rolf, are you crazy? Plank thinks your crazy!"

"MAY YOUR EARS FEEL THE DISCOMFORT OF STRIPPED NOODLES!"

"You were right plank he's gone plum loco!" jonny swung from the tree to the next one "don't look him in the eyes plank!"

Rolf grabbed the tree jonny was currently up and yanked it from the ground. Jonny gasped "you tree killer!" Rolf shook jonny loose from the tree causing the wood loving boy to hit the ground with a thud "don't hurt me! Plank knows judo!" jonny held the possessed piece of wood in front of him protectively. the angry immigrant sniffed him slowly coming to a conclusion "ha? You are not the chicken egg thief?" he put the tree back in the ground looking confused "But then who could it be?"

"Chicken egg?" said jonny "why didn't you say so? Plank knows someone who's been getting their hands on a lot of eggs lately…."

-----

"Ed….ed?" double-d tried to reason with his mono-browed friend "you know Ed anyone would be bit hard pressed to find a working battery in a –junkyard-!" (Insert zoom-out here :p) Ed continued rifling through a mound of garbage head completely hidden.

"Oh come on, ed. this place makes me uneasy. Let's leave before…"

"Hey look I found us some treasures!" came a familiar voice from behind them.

"Oh dear... kankers!"

"Is it another hairclip?" may appeared snorting excitedly behind her sister

"No stupid..." started Marie

"It's half of our husbands!" continued lee pushing Marie out of the way.

"Two thirds, actually" double-d automatically corrected her under his breath. "Ed I believe it's time we run, fast, and as far away as possible"

Ed didn't lift his head from the mound.

"Ed please before it's too late"

Not a twitch...

Edd slid into parental mode talking in a slow clear warning voice "ed? Are you eating rubbish again?"

Ed jumped up, caught. "NO. MUMMY! I'M A GOOD BOY!" he started wiping his mouth with his jacket to conceal his evidence of his crime. "Don't tell Sarah. kay?"

"Ed. Running. remember?"

"Oh yea" Ed picked up the smaller much lighter boy with one hand and started to run only to be intercepted by Marie.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed edd dangling by his shirt "they have us surrounded!"

"If you wanna get by us you'll have to pay the toll" Marie puckered up her lips menacingly

"Oh no please!" the Eds hugged each other for dear life as the kankers closed in on them.

"I wish my shnookie-pie would hug me like that..." said May

-----

Somewhere else in the cul-de-sac ….

Nazz walked by carrying a basket full of suspiciously egg shaped items while humming to herself.

Rolf peaked out from some bushes behind her "Rolf sees them…."

"See I told you" said jonny who was hiding next to him "plank caught her at it. Look at how many she already stole!"

"Rolf was not the only victim, I see. It appears the wench has made off with everybody's eggs."

"Should we interrogate her Rolf? Find out where all those eggs came from. …wassat plank? Good cop bad cop routine? Hey Rolf plank wants to be the bad cop! Rolf?" jonny looked around Rolf it seemed had left the sanctity of the bush and rushed off to face nazz.

Nazz turned spotting Rolf "hey dude! What's up?" Rolf rushed at her brandishing an oversized beet "are you ,like, okay?" she stared in shock as Rolf brought down the beet and hit her over the head with it. Yes, he beat her with a beet...

And the basket hit the ground cracking the eggs.

"Dude! What was that for you like totally trashed the caramel centered chocolate eggs my aunt sent me!" nazz rubbed her head glaring are Rolf

"Caramels? What?"

"Yum!" exclaimed jonny grabbing a chocolate egg, it was wrapped in purple and white aluminum and dripping caramel down its side "it's like Easter all over again! Isn't it plank?"

Rolf picked up an 'egg' and nibbled it's wrapping tentatively "aayaaaaaaaa!" he yelled in frustration tossing the chocolate egg, disgusted at his failure.

"Will Rolf never find this chicken egg snatcher? Is his judgment clouded by peanut imps?.."

Ed and double-d stumbled into view (or on-screen as the case may be) covered in kisses and looking very roughed up.

Double-d wiped some of the lipstick off his face "one day… I shall report those girls..."

Ed sighed "I miss my eg-" double-d covered Ed's mouth suddenly paying attention to what Rolf was saying. Yelling actually Rolf reached the yelling point by that time

"..AND ROLF WILL FIND THIS –THIS- PINCHER OF EGGS I SWEAR UPON NANA'S TOES ROLF SHALL RETURN HIS EGG TO THE WARMTH OF HIS CHICKEN HUT OR ROLF SHALL.."

Nazz smiled looking at Rolf in a weird way (previous beet beating forgotten) "you, like, laid an egg, Rolf?"

Behind her double-d and Ed, double-d's hand still covering Ed's mouth shuffled away as quickly and quietly as they could…

Back in double-d's house eddy was trying to concentrate when double-d and Ed ran in slamming the screen door behind them. They weren't even in for like half a second before double-d started yapping eddy rolled his eyes typical

"Eddy, I fear we are in grave danger for Rolf has..." he stopped looking shocked for a moment "er... eddy are you ...knitting?"

"No!" eddy hiding a tiny clump of yellow wool and pair knitting needles behind him

"Well as I was saying…" double-d tried to remove the humorous image of eddy jabbing a tangle of wool over and over again from his mind and focus on the matter at hand. "Rolf has discovered that one of his eggs is missing!"

"Yea? And?.."

"And he's scouring the cul-de-sac in search for who-so-ever took it!"

"So? What does that have to do with us?"

"Eddy! You are currently seated on the egg that Rolf is looking for!"

Eddy's hairs stood on end "WHAT! I thought you said this was the egg that Ed laid!"

Double-d stared at him a strange mix of expressions on his face. Like, self-pity mixed with shock "OH GOD! You're stupid!"

"Shuttup!" eddy glared "so what do we do now?"

"We… could give it back and apologize ..."

Eddy raised an eyebrow "gee. Double-d for a genius you sure are dumb! He'd kill us for sure or un-leash his thirty whatits on us"

"Forty days of terror" edd corrected him flinching "oh dear!"

"Let's play hide and seek!" Ed chimed in

"Good call lumpy! We'll hide the nest and act like we've never heard of it! Hey you guys get the batteries yet cause I'm sick and tired of sitting on this thing"

"Um...no..." double-d muttered avoiding eddy's gaze.

"Don't worry eddy I have an idea!" Ed laughed.

Double-d looked worried "oh dear lord no"

Ed grabbed the kitchen table's sides ripping off the part that eddy was sitting on.

"ED!" edd gasped in horror thinking of the amount of sticky notes he'll be getting after this, heck some of them even in red.

Ed lifted eddy, lil' Scott and table into the air laughing to himself "now to hide!"

You're a genius, ed!" laughed eddy as Ed carried him out the door

"Ed! That was my mother's favorite piece of furniture!"


End file.
